“When i grow up i dont want to be a dad. I dont want to be fat.” – my 5 year old former son.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 5, 2017
Someone asked my son what his father does for a living. He said “he plays basketball and changes his shorts.”
— Taye Diggs (@TayeDiggs) August 3, 2013
How come my 3 year old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?
— Taye Diggs (@TayeDiggs) July 10, 2013
Was giving my son his bedtime story. He scratched my arm lightly. When it left a mark, he removed his pacifier, pointed and said, ‘ashy’.
— Taye Diggs (@TayeDiggs) December 6, 2012
Busy Spending the morning as various dinosaurs with my son. He expects nothing less than 100% commitment. The most challenging acting ever.
— Taye Diggs (@TayeDiggs) August 25, 2013
My son just asked me if dragons ever ‘poot’. I’m assuming they do. If they don’t, I apologize. I never meant to offend.
— Taye Diggs (@TayeDiggs) December 8, 2012
If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 29, 2013
YES I know what “parenting” is. That’s the thing where I mildly say “OK, come on, you guys” over and over w/o ever looking up from my phone.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 10, 2012
SO TIRED of clapping happily when a kid takes more than 1 try to blow out birthday candles. His wish is screwed, why are we ignoring this
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 3, 2014
I think I just discovered something that will revolutionize parenting.
“Dad, watch this!”
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 25, 2013
PARENTING FOR DUMMIES: just say “well, where did you last see it?” and they leave for a minute
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 12, 2013
Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 19, 2015
#Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close & whisper “You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.”
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) April 6, 2013
Just passed a guy wearing a “# 1 Dad” T-shirt. On my way home now to ask my kids what the fuck.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 17, 2012
The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts & you have to pretend it wasn’t cool/awesome.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 30, 2014
I bet when a parent is sent to jail, they’re like “Oh darn!” for show, but inside they’re pretty jazzed.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) May 12, 2013
Never littered before I was a parent but now the 8th time my kid throws something on the ground I’m like “THAT’S WHERE THAT SHIT’S STAYING.”
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 3, 2012
Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) October 21, 2014
Side effect of Go, Dog, Go, the best book ever: Your son WILL tell total strangers on the bus that he does not like their hat.
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) January 8, 2017
12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) February 3, 2015
On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting daddy’s freedom.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016
Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016
I’m teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it’s mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015
My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke’s on her. She’ll have to bury me someday.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016
This morning, my daughter said, “quiche” which means she’s smart, hungry and an asshole.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 21, 2016